A Call to Exist

Lately, I have noticed that I don’t want to become anything. I don’t want to fix, or be fixed, I don’t want to optimize my healing for efficiency. I just want to….be. I want to feel every sensation in my body as it courses through me.

I don’t want to rush to be anywhere for anybody. I don’t want to live in a place of urgency or be made to feel that someone is urgently waiting for me.

I want to get there when I get there – wherever ‘there’ is. I want to sip my coffee slowly each morning and get ready when my body tells me it’s time. I want to let music vibrate in my soul, healing the aspects that are yet to be named.

I am over the performance culture. I am done proving myself – I just want to be. It feels like a rebellious desire, to simply exist without improving or explaining or preparing for the next step.

To sit inside of this moment and just allow it to be present inside of me without extracting meaning from it…this is so foreign to me, yet here I am being drawn to it over and over again.

For my entire life, existing without striving felt unproductive, inefficient and pointless. If I was simply existing, what value was I providing? And, if I wasn’t providing value – what purpose did I have? And if I did not have a purpose then what was the point of keeping me around?

My worth was tied tightly to my performance. It still is - I am a work in progress.

Now, I am noticing how different my body feels when I stop rushing myself. I have stopped performing for everyone – including myself. I sip my coffee slowly as I sway to the beat of a good song. I notice the energy flowing in my body as I pause in that moment.

As naturally as I flow to the beat of that music, my body lets me know what I need next. Some days that is getting ready for work, other days that is staying an extra hour in my pajamas and watching the snow fall or stopping for a snuggle with my pets.

I do not know where this way of living will lead me. But I am learning to trust the body that takes me there. For now, that feels like enough.